We are a species obsessed with things that don’t exist. Think about it, language is a system of symbols to represent sounds we make; stories are artfully crafted lies in order to communicate a lesson, experience, or idea. We operate through our imagination, why should sex be any different? Well folks, it is not any different. Fantasy, in my opinion, is the most important ingredient in sexual activity. Most people don’t connect with what they’re doing, but the thought of it. Play on that fact.
In S&M, BDSM, and just plain ole’ role playing, participants are expected to fulfill a specific archetype or character in order to fulfill a situation with sexual connotations. The most extreme of which is rape, although there are others such as incest, doctor/patient, Good Samaritan turned into a quickie, cop/prisoner, and various other situations or dynamics, the list is almost endless.
Over all research in these matters, has shown that sexual fantasies act much like masturbation, that it simply gives release to a psychosexual need that may stem from a variety of things (not to say that this is the sole reason for masturbation, that is another essay). Where these needs and wants come from, although an interesting subject to study, is irrelevant. What is relevant is that fantasy can be played out in a safe, secure, and responsible manner without endangering anyone.
Yet, I’ve come across a repeated issue among people who participate in violent fantasies with a loving and respectful partner- it doesn’t fulfill them. They know that their loved one is not truly submitting to the violence or humiliation, or the other way around- he or she isn’t truly disrespecting or hurting them. Because the individuals care deeply for one another, it is difficult to feel the necessary emotions in a violent fantasy, i.e. - shame, fear, loss of control, humiliation, or sense of punishment. This can lead to adultery in order to fulfill the fantasy; that in turn fulfills the sexual “neurosis”. It may also lead to sexual death with the partner, in which case, separation is eminent.
Some would blame this on the individual who needs the fantasy, for they are the one who requires the disrespectful behavior, and that they shouldn’t. Others would blame it on the individual inflicting the disrespect and violence, for they aren’t convincing enough. I feel both are illogical answers, if the individual(s) requiring these fantasies isn’t being fulfilled – no matter if they are inflicting or being inflicted- they may not be engaging the fantasy.
People who attempt role play tend to think their sheer acting is sufficient- it isn’t. You have to let yourself slip into this alternate reality, dismiss your lover as your lover. He or she is someone new, someone breaking in, someone you picked up at a bar, ect. One must suspend this reality; look at it this way, you get to live your fantasy, but like life itself- it’s an active role. Passivity will only earn you a passive experience, and I’m assuming that if you want this fantasy, you aren’t a voyeur.
Engaging the fantasy covers all aspects necessary to making the experience a realistic one, acting is what you’re supposed to say… in a fantasy- this is what you are saying, what you are doing, and what you want to do.
Here are some tips gathered from various sources, mostly first hand:
- Set up your surroundings: this is supposed to be a different world where what is about to happen makes sense. It’s an organic process, life, it should make sense in retrospect… at least in the fantasy.
- Research the fantasy: look up the lingo of your role, the “dress code”, the tactics, and tools
- Have a safe word: this word should always be one that isn’t said, like “click” or “phone”, and never, EVER, stop just because the word is said. Just stop what was being performed when the word is said, don’t acknowledge it, and try a different avenue. DO NOT BREAK THE FANTASY!
- You are not on stage: self consciousness is your enemy in this game… unless that is apart of it. But even then it makes sense to say that you shouldn’t get embarrassed about being humiliated. We all have our quirks.
So bear your Scarlet A proudly my lusty comrades. You only live once, and if you’re engaging the fantasy, can live many lives in this brief span of years.
For more information, I heavily suggest the author Gloria Brame, specifically her book Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission.